An old taradiddle reprised.

Note All lineament are entirely ficticious and my apologies of any household or party names have inadvertently been used


My peeress 's Descent, the Butlers Tale.


I was idly cleaning some silverware. The sun was shining through the drawing room Windows. The lawns stretched away towards the lake with its island and folly while a gardener snipped ineffectually away at the lawn edges. It was an ordinary summers day.

Mr Reginald Carey Harrison my Almighty 's stock broker and advisor arrived just after luncheon, he asked no postulate to see my lady with the farthest urgency.

'' But sir, my dame is resting, '' I explained, knowing she was most probable with one Lieutenant Carruthers her former dalliance.

I went to assay her, I went upstairs to her room and knocked decorously, and then as one does I listened intently.

'' Oh yes, '' she was gasping, `` Oh that 's sooo near, do n't stop. ``

'' There 's someone knocking, '' a man 's vox hissed.

'' Mr Harrison wishes an audience my lady, '' I explained through the fold door.

'' Then have him wear a funny wig and appear at the Adelphi ! '' the man joked.

'' Johnny, '' my lady whispered, `` Look its Gerald 's banker, I had better go, '' and she shouted `` Just a instant ! ''

Amazingly quickly my peeress appeared at the door, a vision of golden gyre and vermillion chiffon, spoiled only by smeared lipstick.

'' My Lady, '' I explained, `` Your lip peg ? ``

'' Oh, '' she said, `` Do n't be so damned impertinent ! '' but she still looked in the mirror and repaired the harm with a napkin.

'' dependable chap, mums the Word ? '' Carruthers said as he followed her from the room while smoothing his cricket tee shirt down and taking his wallet from his bloodless cricket trousers he tucked a ten Somalian shilling bank note in my top pocket, `` See myself out, back way. '' and he slipped away, the very image of a lounge lizard, or should that be couch snake.

I left him to his deceit and dissembling, no doubt the regiment thought he was elsewhere, perhaps he was at cricket and had himself bowled out to spare half an hour for cuckolding but perhaps his enormous ego would not earmark him to appear lupus erythematosus than a dose at the furrow but he was certainly well-nigh worthless of my lady 's fondness.

My lady swept downstairs, `` Mister William Henry Harrison, what a pleasant surprisal ! '' she simpered.

'' I fear not Lady Saltcoats, '' he said, `` Can we speak privately ? ``

'' The work is useable my Lady, '' I suggested.

'' He means bugger off Holdford ! '' my peeress hissed.

'' Alford my lady, '' I corrected, `` Certainly my madam. ``

'' Go on then ! '' she hissed and she ushered me away.

I went to the kitchen, I sat on my stool, Mrs Bridge the cook stood at the swallow hole, `` upset Mr Alford ? '' she asked.

I looked at her, heavy breasted, unit of ammunition shouldered and old before her clock time, `` None of our business Mrs Bridges, '' I said using the courtesy title of Mrs despite the fact she had never married and was likely a virgin, with little prospect of losing that distinction.

'' If you say so sir ! '' she said sarcastically.

I let it go and then suddenly my lady shouted `` No ! ``

I stood and rushed to the discipline and flung the threshold wide. My lady was aghast, but stood yards from Harrison, `` No, it can not be so ! '' she cried.

'' What have you done sir ? '' I demanded, `` My Lady is distraught ! ``

'' Not I, '' he said, `` I accept no inculpation. ``

'' For what ? '' I asked.

'' Lord Saltcoats has been declared bankrupt, '' Harrison explained, `` recipient have been appointed, my nobleman has seven calendar days to countermand these premise, meanwhile all bank bill are frozen. ``

'' What do you entail ? '' I demanded.

'' house business relationship, all that sort of thing, '' he explained, `` It 's the stock market, and reinsurance, richly finance, you would n't understand. ``

I should have hit him for his insult, but how was he to know my admittedly character ? Instead I congratulated myself on blending so subtly into the fabric of the rural area house.

'' There will be some residue surely, the John Griffith Chaney residence ? '' I asked.

'' Mortgaged, '' he said, `` And remortgaged, liabilities vastly exceed the plus. ``

'' Then why let this bump ! '' I queried.

'' None of your business enterprise, '' he said, `` But I had no estimation, none at all, I merely manage his lordship 's investment portfolio, of row we made big passing, but no more than anyone else, less than many, it 's not my fault he started meddling in policy, none at all ! ``

'' What does it mean, where will we go ! '' my noblewoman demanded.

The telephone set rang, in an reflex reflex I went to the entrance hall to serve it.

'' Rainsford household, Lord Saltcoats hall, '' I answered automatically.

'' Alford, is that Alford ? '' mortal demanded.

'' Indeed, '' I agreed.

'' rightfield look its Ted Griggs here, '' he said, `` His lordship 's capital of the United Kingdom chauffeur, I got some bad news. ''

'' Indeed ? '' I queried.

'' Look tell Mrs Bridges that Lord Saltcoats, has disappeared, '' he said.

'' Disappeared, no he 's gone smash. '' I said.

'' Well I dropped him off at Victoria Falls around ten o'clock this morning and they said to go home when I got back, I reckon he legged it to France on the Flesh de cocotte, '' he meant the Golden arrow caravan, `` What do you think bankrupt ? '' he demanded, `` Oh damn, I ai n't got no more pennies tell Mrs bridge circuit, '' he said after the telephony pinged and suddenly it went dead Brrrrrrr.

'' It seems his lordship has left left us, '' I said as I returned.

'' Only decent thing, '' Rex Harrison agreed, `` Gun or noose ? ``

'' The railroad train ferry to France ! '' I corrected.

'' Oh the total shit ! '' my lady cried.

'' Indeed my lady, '' I agreed and I slipped away.

Generally individual use of his lordship 's telephony was basis for instant dismissal but I no longer cared, and throwing caution to the farting I booked a call to my bank in Liverpool where they were keeping my `` Family ash gray, '' in their safety device deposit.

'' Alford ! '' my lady protested when she saw me at the phone when I should get shown Mr Harrison out, but I ignored her.

She flew at me afterwards, `` How dare you ! '' she said, `` Collect your things you are dismissed directly ! ``

'' And how shall you pay me what you owe ? '' I demanded, `` You can not. ``

'' I can dismiss you with nothing ! '' she said, `` No requital, no point of reference, no fiber ! ``

'' Indeed ? '' I queried, `` Well perhaps you can pay me. ``

'' No ! adopt your things and go ! '' she said.

'' Perhaps you could pay me the way you pay police lieutenant Carruthers and a few More I might remark ! '' I suggested.

'' No, Rape ! '' she wailed and she rushed towards her room.

I followed, I caught her at the doorway and pushed her inside pausing only to absquatulate the door.

'' No ! '' she said, `` Well at least let me undo the maulers, this cost an absolute hazard. ``
'' Of course, '' I said, `` grant me. ``

She sat on the bed as I unfastened her frock, `` Be careful, '' she pleaded and then she stood and it fell around her feet.

Her well rounded knocker bulged over her red corset, her red knickers enclosed by the suspender straps, and she stood up and laid the frock carefully on the dresser.

'' That 's salutary, '' she said and she screamed, `` Brassica napus, '' again various times.

'' Ot would appear the US cavalry is otherwise engaged my noblewoman, '' I observed as I removed my highly smoothen black shoes to reveal well fatigue black drogue with protruding big toes, which I hurriedly removed, `` Does lieutenant Carruthers remove his shirt and under shirt madam ? '' I asked.

'' No, though it is none of your business, '' she declared, `` colza ! '' she shouted again.

I removed my jacket and shirt front line, slipped the cardboard collar off and removed my undershirt.

'' Good lord, '' she gulped, `` Alford, '' and then I unbuttoned my flies and removed trousers and underpants in a single motion.

'' God, you are pleased to see me are n't you ! '' she exclaimed as she gazed at my manhood as it strained, `` Right, '' she said as she snapped her gallus away from her stockings and pushed her knickers down before kicking them off her feet.

'' violation, '' she shouted again and then, `` Oh well, you wo n't pain me will you, and there are some johnny 's in the medical dressing table.

'' They spoil the consequence my madam, '' I explained, `` I shall mount you as the good master intended. ``

It was nearly a week since my conclusion night off, spent with two buxom whore in the town a wearisome ten long miles away by bicycle, and my pauperization was capital, and her protest were petty but tokens.

'' Do n't hurt me, '' she asked again as I gripped her waist as I planted my articulatio genus firmly between hers and blindly aimed my manhood at her.

'' Hey, '' she said, `` Not there, let me, '' and she guided my straining manhood between her unseen pussy backtalk and took me to heaven.

'' Do something then, '' she insisted.

'' What ? '' I asked as I luxuriated in the feel of her moist pussy gripping me.

'' I do n't lie with, but it 's not very exciting for me. '' she declared.

I thrust against her, `` estimable ? '' I asked.

'' Much ! '' she said, `` And again, that 's better, '' she said, `` Oh you 're so big, '' she said, `` nooky me, you 're going to prison for this so savor yourself ! ``

I started to guess of her as a whore, a beautiful golden haired high class whore, and then I remembered the smeared lipstick and I determined to try out her brim as well and I dipped my lips to fondle hers.

Her clapper emerged instantly, running around my teeth, my mind exploded and so did my stopcock jerking and pumping and flooding her share, and as our mouths parted she was gasping and muttering, `` Oh my god, '' she said and then we stilled.

'' Alford, '' she said, `` What are we going to do ? ``,

'' What ? '' I asked.

'' If we 're bankrupt '' she said, `` What are we going to do ? ``

'' What is this `` We'suddenly ? '' I asked.

'' Well, what is it to be Alford, Brassica napus or 'we', '' she asked quite reasonably.

'' We, '' I said, `` My peeress. ``

`` I expect Gerald has, '' she said quietly, `` He wo n't face up ruin, he knows I only want his money, I never loved him. ``

'' And the dashing deputy ? '' I enquired.

'' He makes me feel good, '' she said, `` But then to be dependable, so do you. ''

She stretched, `` So what is it to be, a nice cold cell or me ? ``

'' What a choice, may I have a moment to think my lady ? '' I asked.

'' Get dressed, we have appearances to keep up, '' she insisted and she went to dress again.

I too dressed and made my way downstairs, there was a hubbub of vocalisation in the kitchen, I went in, `` Mr Alford, or is it My Lord. '' Binks the head gardener challenged.

'' Mr Binks, '' I replied, `` What troubles you ? ``

'' You and her ladyship, '' he said.

'' She 's finished, '' I said, `` We 're finished, his lordship 's bankrupt, the bailiffs are coming so I 'm leaving. ``

'' And ladyship, '' Mrs bridge asked.

'' Do n't ask me, '' I insisted.

'' She 's leaving with Mr Alford, '' her ladyship said as she came to fend behind me, `` Tonight. ``

I had no intention of leaving so soon yet there was little point in time in remaining, `` We need to sing, '' I explained.

'' We 'll get a hotel room, '' she suggested, `` Do you drive ? ``

'' Yes, '' I agreed.

'' Then we 'll guide the Rolls, '' she insisted, `` The shooting pasture brake ! ``

We left that same evening, her baggage stowed in every unembellished space it that huge crudely overbodied charade of a luxury car so full that she had to sit beside me, and we made our way north.

'' What will you do ? '' I asked.

'' What do you advise ? '' she replied.

'' fountainhead I doubt cooking or cleanup is to your taste, '' I suggested, `` Whore, sporting lady, courtesan ? ``

'' Yes, '' she agreed, `` I have some money, perhaps we could get a room ? ``

'' Perhaps, but for now, '' I suggested, `` dame Alford and her Chauffeur ? ``

'' separate beds ? '' she asked, `` I 'll holler you Alan ! ``

'' One for sleeping and one for work ! '' I joked.

I could n't trust her, I never really intended for her to become a working girl but could not lay on the line telling her the truth, maybe I should have got, but I didn't.

You see three years before my father had made transcription for me to work in the United commonwealth of America, to pick up about the American organisation of banking which seemed so greatly superior to ours, and while there the great crash of 1929 erupted through the whole economic system.
I was working at a sensitive size city bank as a sort of assistant director, and I was right there when the run came, and when it came it all seemed to materialize all at once.

Ordinary people, even tribe waited in a subscriber line right down the street and you did n't need to be a sensation to knead out we had not even a tenth of the money those people thought they had in their accounts to pay them. We started paying out in the break of day and by noontide the bank vault was discharge, except that is an unobjectionable cardboard box of big value banknote which somehow found their way in my locker, for dependable keeping you understand.

Ted President Adams chief bank clerk and Jim McFadden the manager came down the bank hall all glum faced, `` Shut the doors Jim, '' McFadden said to the guard duty, `` We 're gone broke. ``

That triggered a near riot, I slipped out the hinder way with my box and in all the confusion I swapped my twenty seven Buick for the janitor 's bicycle and coating and I rode off down the street on that bicycle with about a half million dollar sign in that cardboard box balanced on the cross bar.

I went to the apartment I rented, told Mrs Rafferty the concierge I was leaving and I headed north west towards New York metropolis on the even train.

So what do you do when you have half a million dollar bill of person else 's cash ? Why get a job of course.

Except the world and his Brother was looking for a job, so I bought some piece of furniture, put my box in a sideboard, had it crated and arranged shipment to England on the RMS Mauretania and I sailed menage 2nd class.
I had my crate put in warehousing and looked for a job, told dad I was still in the res publica, changed my name to Alford and forged some references and worked in Liverpool until I fancied some rural area air and her ladyship took me on as Butler.

She knew my references were forged, she thought she could give notice me any time and that would go on me in line and stop me telling her married man about her lovers.

But now I had half a million dollars to drop, without being noticed.

We found a dainty picayune apartment, it was over a betting store in the Harrow Road, the estate agent had century of empty attribute, we could fill our pick.

She had rescue, we pawned some of her jewelry, we painted the apartment, bought beds furniture, I had my hooey from Liverpool sent over and we worked like a real team.

Then when we were all ready to open I told her my architectural plan, `` await, '' I said one evening after a particularly long and gruelling seance in bed.

'' I know, Mister flopsy is tired, he needs a kiss, '' she said as she bent to kiss my soften penis.

'' My dame, you do n't need to sleep with anyone, except me, '' I explained, '' I have about half a million dollars to wash, you just say an freakish American language paid you in one dollar bill. ``

'' But Alan, '' she said, `` We agreed, we did all the work, we were going to get a maid, start small, build up, two or three gentlemen a night to begin with. ``

'' We can just use it as a cover, '' I explained.

'' But you promised two or three men a day, '' she said angrily, `` You promised ! ``

'' But surely you do n't want ? '' I asked.

'' And you do n't seriously think you fulfil me do you ? '' she asked, `` With Mr floppy disk always needing a suck to kick start him, for heavens sake ! ``

'' You want to be a whore ? '' I said incredulously.

'' Yes with you there to protect me, '' she said, `` I expect I could do a gentleman in forty arcminute and a servant in ten. ``

'' At the same clock time ? '' I queried, `` One up the endorse passage ? ``

'' Possibly, '' she said, `` But you did the sums, even with a few twenty-four hour period a calendar month when we need a sales booth in we will earn a kill ! ``

'' But what about us ? '' I asked.

'' Oh, you still get your good turn, '' she said, `` But really, seriously, '' she said, `` I need more. ``

We heard goose egg of Lord Saltcoats and so it was that we opened `` The Lady 's Boudoir '' one evening in Sept 1932.

The name was stencilled on the door beside the betting shop class an inside the door we had a booth where the receptionist Lillia sat guarding the bottom of the stair and then I would greet the gentlemen, take their hat and baseball mitt and stand in attending in case they needed assistance with fertilization and always keep discretion and moderation.

It sickened me, every day she lay in bed from mid morning money box after midnight while a succession of men used her, `` sound day sir may I occupy your hat ? '' I would ask and get a scornful glare in takings as gloves were thrown in the hat and the hat handed to me.

We reached agreement for the betting shop to be our waiting way, every day there was my lady, answering to any gens under the sun, gambling acting the sweet spirit, wooden leg astride, cunt glistening. teats distended, bathed in travail like as not and then dragging some half naked gentleman minus pant and underpants but like as not retaining windsock and air sock suspender to her as she grasped his rampant member to aim it within her or lactate it to life or pass completion.

Hairy asses bobbling as they pounded her, time after time, week after week, month after month until every ounce of compassion I had for her was ground to cipher by the rubbing of fork upon crotch.

I rented a sign for us in Middlesborough terrace so we could get away from her work, but she was always too bore so I had the other bedroom converted to another body of work room, bare story and a round-eyed mattress.

They paid extra for the simple mattress, the Sir Thomas More soiled it got the better they liked it because it stopped being gentleman and instead it was anyone who won a bet on the horses.

They all wanted to have it off a amercement noblewoman on a bemire mattress.

'' Maybe you would prefer standing against a paries in the ginnel ? '' I asked in a moment of reckless sarcasm.

'' And how a good deal extra would that be ? '' the feller asked quite seriously.

'' Double, '' I said flippantly.

'' Then I 'll have that ! '' he agreed.

She used the courtyard, the ginnel was too populace and she wore a twosome of sprocket and a retainer smock, sometimes we had three men waiting while a fourth fucked her standing against the wall.

Sometimes Lillia pretended to be the lady, if she remembered to hold on her mouth shut, when not clamped around a client 's member that is, she was fine, except it made too much work for me keeping an eye on two cocotte, taking money and everything.

One Night a Irishman asked me to fuck him up the ass while he fucked Lillia. I declined, but it gave me an estimation, `` So where do you get you 're ass fucked ? '' I asked.

He told me, I out an advertising in the window and got ten inquiries in two hours.

I gave Harry the job, he liked nothing better than wearing a skirt with nada under it, usually he wore a kilt but his geordie emphasise betrayed him and he relished the mind of ramming his meat up man 's tooshie while they shafted our whores.

He seemed entirely capable so I left him to it, and gradually did to a lesser extent and less time at the Boudoir and he became more or less the manager while I planned my next move.

I went to London and became delayed with my occasion and came north again to check on my lady.

She was not there, `` valet want variety sir, I got some new young woman in, '' Harry explained.

'' But she was the whole cause ! '' I pleaded, `` Where is she ? ``

'' Blowed if I know sir, '' he said, `` I just thought she were a whore, sir. I never thought she was your special whore. ``

I went out to seek her, I asked around until I heard of soul bread and butter in a hut by the railway and earning a crust from dental plate layer and the like.

I had to find her and bought a derby hat hat and gaberdine coat like a railway functionary and marched down to the rail yards.

There was no sign of her, but then a lucky stroke, `` You going for a jar Tam ? '' individual asked a driver as his shift key ended.

'' Och so I will, after I poke the lady, '' was his reply.

I followed, he went to the engineman 's barracks, where the long length men lodged before returning home, and there I found her bare but for a coat undefendable at the front sitting on an railway locomotive man 's locker listening to the tales of engines.

'' Enginemen only sir, '' the assistant said politely but firmly.

'' I came to see her, '' I said and pointed, `` How are you ? ``

'' Well, '' she said and she smiled, `` Were you worried ? '' she asked.

'' Yes, you were not at the theater, '' I explained.

'' That Harry was beastly, '' she said, `` He wanted to file more, but I just want sex. ``

'' And now ? '' I asked.

'' They are lovely, all these lonely men to comfort, '' she said, `` They make me feel wanted. ''

I looked at her, her blonde hair seemed to be silvering, her skin once like Mexican onyx now weatherbeaten, `` I 'll sustain an account for your money, you know where to obtain me, '' I explained, `` Oh Geoffrey turned up, '' I added, `` He 's working as a Gigolo in Monte Carlo, maybe you two were made for each other after all. ``

'' Maybe, '' she admitted but the Scotchman had her in his coal dusted arms and his black hands ran through her fuzz and his black backtalk brushed her ruby brim and it was more than I could bear to see.

I hid my tears and left her even as she gasped in approval as her scots lover took her to heaven once more .